I stare at a blank space then blurry images run through my vision.
There were times that i used to think about the future, our future specifically. It was quite good actually, the thoughts that we are working this (what we have) all out just to bring to life those dreams of mine. Well of course you never knew that because I never opened it. I almost worked it all hard just to keep it low.
Echoes of the judgement that i always hear from others; It quite struck my heart most of the time but hey, i want this to work so why bother with it? Right?
There was also a vision of you teasing me because of my inferiority that you were the captain of the vessel and i am just like a deck cadet. But it wasn’t like that, the story was the captain love the cadet so much that he wants to cross all of the oceans that are found in earth with her.
Another vision of you; how you can make me happy. The flaws i have in life, how you were accepting it. How you like the hobbies and habits i do. How you simply recognize all the small details in my life that you couldn’t miss a thing because you simply want to know each and every detail in my life and what affects it the most. You were just so perfect in that dream, perfect for me. Perfect, the way i see you in my life. You just fit into it.
i was completely blinded, those thoughts that brainwashed me. I realized that i was just lying to myself.
The judgement was eating me and you’re just letting me get fed.
I was the captain in the vessel you were just a mere bandit.
The hobbies and habits that we couldn’t understand because simply one of us is closed.
And you didn’t care about the small details about my life and you just focused on the big ones.
Then a storm came that the mirrors of that great wall had been broken. How shocked i was when that happened, that a decision has to be made by then. How to clean the deck that is full of shattered glass? To build a new deck or not? I was the captain of the ship that had been wrecked and it was not you.
I was hoping for help but i ended up helping you too. I was picking up the pieces till my hands bled. Realizing that i am just hurting myself in trying to fix something that is not fixable.
Fallen hope and fallen emotions.
We are hell of a passive persons at the end. Chasing something that cannot be fixed. How to go? How to leave? That is what i think.
Leaving is not my choice but that is the best option on the line.
You were so good and so bad. How you illogically think on trying to get me back. I just have to let this go, because i cannot dwell in this pain for too long. But some things you don’t realize is that; Behind it is the happiness i found (from the beginning) in you didn’t change. You’re still the one i need at the end. Not them, only you. But we have to change it, if you couldn’t agree about the “we” part, then only “I” will change it.
Move on and be stronger.
Maybe one day you’ll find your cadet and i will find my captain :)
I miss her. i miss her comfort. I miss her hugs. I miss her.
A million thoughts about her gathered inside my brain. How we laugh, how we cry, how she touches my face and cries with me when i am sad. How we sing together and play silly stuff. How immature she is… How we act immature at times. *smiles*
God separated us even if you’re the only person who i trust in my life. Even i’m disappointed at you sometimes, it doesn’t make my love fade.
I love you. This love for my best friend .. it cannot be described even with a million words. They say, if someone is gone for a long time, if you truly love a person, the love wouldn’t fade.
I miss you. I wish you were here. Hugging me, telling me that everything is okay. I want to beg God that you should be here. I realized that you are very important in my life. How simple things are worth everything. Even if you left me..
I need you. I just need you now and always. Your presence makes me feel that i am not alone in this world. That even i have a lot of pain and burdens, you can stay beside me. That feeling that you will never leave me even at rough times.
I want my best friend, right now.
I hope i can reach out for you. I miss you. :/
As the sky slowly gets darker, I remembered something at the back of my head.
I remembered that rainy day, when i was given a duty by my sister and he was there to accompany me while i was fulfilling it. It’s almost dark when my dad was calling me, probably my dad will ask me where i was and i was so scared to answer it because he was with me and my dad doesn’t know what my sister asked me to do. Eventually i answered it and everything went not so well. While waiting for the people to come so i can finish the duty, we were sitting in the staircase. I moved 4 feet away from him because i’m scared. Well, he really looks like a scary titan cause he is tall. Kidding aside, something about him just scares me. I stood up cause my paranoia came and he stood up too and he followed me. He went a little closer and he started talking about my worries. He started saying things that i already know but i realized he was just reminding me and calming me down. He went closer while our eyes were steady and he is still talking and giving me advice. Oh god why are you so comfortable? My heart was already bumping when he was getting closer. It’s a little awkward so l looked down and stopped responding to what he was saying. He was still there and suddenly he put my hair at the back of my shoulders. I looked up and my eyebrows curved cause I was confused why would he do that. In a few minutes my hair was messy again and he put it at the back of my shoulders again. I abruptly blurted out “Why?” and he answered, “Why what?”
“Why do you keep on putting my hair at the back of my shoulders?”
he smiled at me and said
“So that i can see you clearly, your imperfect face, your real beauty.”
I went silent and he fixed my hair again, this time he put the hair that was covering a portion of my face at the back of my ear.
“See? And put a little smile on that lips please. You look ugly when you are worried.” Then he laughed at me as i hit him at his shoulder for teasing me.
As we drive down the plateau, i thought about a lot of things. Well first of all, i woke up very early because we need to pack our things up and head to our next destination - Pangasinan. We were going to a beach in Anda. I really don’t like to swim when the sun is very high because my skin will get tanned. Yeah I know that my complexion is just fair and not white and i will be tanned if i swim. So there’s my reason why i’m not that excited to go.
As we go down the zigzagged road, I stare amazed by the beautiful environment that i saw . I had this nostalgic feeling that when i was a kid i used to look at the rocks, the tall mountains, the different kind of trees and the beautiful sky. Everything was very familiar. I realized that when you grow up, you tend to appreciate things more than when you were just a kid. Yes, i appreciate mother earth more with what i see in my naked eyes.
In each substance i see, there’s always a question or a challenge that pops into my mind. Like “Did you ever think that these rocks killed alot of people?”, “How many trees can you name?” and a lot more. I’m kinda disappointed with myself for knowing finite knowledge about this life. This deficiency caused me to have a lot of unanswered questions yet I think it’s good to ask these questions because you’re being observant with your surroundings.
I wondered if everyone can be curious just like i am today, like how life can be wonderful? how did it all started? Well, I think most of us have these questions.
I just gaze at the wonders that i see. It’s more of appreciation and curiosity that attacks me while travelling down.
I came up with one of my conclusions and that is the world is very versatile and we should take good care of our nature. It’s really a gift, and I think most of us doesn’t really bother to care because they are busy with their lives. I spent my time thinking while in the drive, lurking the solid particles that was built in different sizes and shapes and thinking how the water can turn to blue, green and red. I also thought about Where are they taking the gravels that was caused by a landslide and how will they use it. Did someone ordinary really wondered why there are fissures in the mountains and those fissures are filled with a different type of soil? It was making my head hurt when i think about these but i liked the way how pain regulates my brain.
Everything is just astonishing. We just need to learn how to value the gifts in our lives and we should be aware of our place. we shouldn’t close our doors for more information and we shouldn’t be contented with what we know. Our lives don’t revolve with our daily habits and profession but it revolves with what we want to know, to improve and to prove.
Well as i think about these stuff, I got tired and slowly my eyes shuts and my soul went to slumber.
It was a fun drive because dad was dancing the car as he speeds up to overtake slow cars in front of us as the music plays. My dad is very adventurous in every aspects in his life and i really admire him for that. That life is an adventure. Like he said “Never glue yourself unto one place, the world is big so get up and don’t be lazy.”
I just realized what i’m trying to hold on and i think i shouldn’t. Oh een, what the hell are you doing in your life?
I’m scared and I’m confused.. because i know it’ll end one day if i started it. But i’m still not losing hope after all what i had been through. Scars and Wounds just made me stronger.
You’ll see, one day he will come.. The one who will prove me that love isn’t always one sided. That love shouldn’t be taken for granted. That love is working it all out through good times and bad times. The one who will prove that there is a word Forever. :)
I’m letting this out, i cannot take it anymore.
I’m having a hard time controlling myself lately. Controlling my emotions, that is what i meant. I’m trying my best to stay passive but i can’t. I’m doing my best not to really care about those things, but i can’t.
It’s something i don’t really want to feel, like little things are affecting my moods, and yes it’s because of you. ARG! How can i even control my moods when there’s always someone who triggers it? (But not all the time)
And it’s kinda hard, when you feel that you’re not being cared about. When you’re mad, you just sleep it all out and like not fix anything before sleeping? That’s not good.
And controlling my feelings is just a mad thing because i can’t even show all my ideas out, (well i almost do this all the time, like all the time and that’s why i’m always misinterpreted). Like when i’m sad, i just smile. When i’m happy i smile. When i’m stressed i smile again. Like when i like something i just smile and when i hate something i just smile again. What’s up with the smiles?
I’m not good at expressing, that is one of my major problems but i can change even it’s hard. *sigh* BUT.. I still don’t want to express my thoughts and say all the things i want to for some reason. Its not thrilling if someone isn’t trying his/her best to read your thoughts or force you to spit it out. Or maybe, he/she doesn’t want to know you better. Hahaha! Silly life.
You know, expectations can really hurt you, I’ve expected a lot before, but now it’s one of my changes. If you don’t, i don’t. If you do, I don’t. (God this is hard).
You have to make me believe that you’re serious, that everything is not a joke. Well maybe everything has been a joke in my life. It’s endless and deep. I don’t know what is God doing to me in his list of stories, I hope it’s some kind of action or fairy tale. Haha! No, I kid.
I’m the ace of hearts and life is the joker. He keeps on giving me riddles that i have to answer and if i got it right, my kingdom will be peace and safe.
Severely ill. You’re the medicine that cures me, the light in darkest days, the color in a washed out canvass…
Yes you are… Unfairly and Unconsciously you became the best prescription my doctor gave.
But i’ll be careful because drugs are addictive. In a sense that too much of it will not be good. I better watch out and consume with a guide.
Regenerate my soul and my heart till i’m cured. Then you’re mine, I’ll love you, you won’t regret it cause it’s worth it.