This note isn’t meant to turn the tables around, nor to mend the stuff. But this note is the thoughts that I should let go.
Well, Thank you for everything. For the good laughs, for the cries, for the warmth, for the cold seasons, for being my light, for being the darkness, for making me smile, for making me frown, for making me roll my eyes whenever im pissed, and for every new gesture that i have learned to do. Thank you for those arms that you wrap around me when i’m cold. Thank you for holding my hands whenever i want to go. Thank you for fixing my clothes whenever my shoulders were shown. Thank you for kissing my forehead whenever you get the chance to do it. Thank you for those material things that you had given to me. Thank you for that note that you made for me, it was your first but you never tried to do it again because of my reaction, y so serious kasi? was kidding that time. But yeah. Thank you for that. I said this before but thank you for calling me whenever i’m scared at night or whenever i had nightmares. I remember when you said you’ll sing a song for me that night and you even went to the cr just to do it and that made me calm. I was seriously laughing that time and it was effective. Thank you for those times that you went here to watch a movie with me. Thank you because you spent your time for me. Thank you for your efforts and love. Thank you for the calls (Especially that moment in LA, i got mad at you because of that. But i know i should be thankful because no one would try to do that if they knew it.) Thank you for the “Take care messages.” I just want to say thank you for almost knowing you in 11 months. Dec 28, 2012. Thank you for trying to change for me.
I’m sorry for being really harsh at some point, that i held back my feelings. Those moments that i hurt you and made you cry. Those moments that i never had shown to you. Those words that hurt you. Those dry conversations we had and those fights that I had started. Those time that I made you feel that you’re not worth my time. The moments that you got jealous because of my actions. The moments that i’m not contented. Those times that i am busy doing something that when you need me, i wasnt there. Those times that i shouted at you at the phone and just gone mad. Im sorry for giving you much pain. I’m sorry.
Reasons. There are reasons why i did those stuff to hurt you. Some are to open your eyes, some of it was to open myself to you so you could know my emotions well and you could try to do something about it. Some of it are for the lessons i want you to know, so you could learn. Some of it were tests, so you could assure me that even i’m at the worst state, you’d still say something like “I’ll stop everything and listen to you and your heart.”
You know, i didnt really feel that you love me. I’m just like your trophy, because my definition of love and effort is different from yours. We are different, but God i swear, i just want you to prove me (that time) that you really do. That you would look me in the eye, and say “Deep down inside, you’re hurt because of me. I can see it. And i hate it, Because i made it and i want to mend it.” Something like that. You know because you love me, And you won’t get tired of saying to me everyday, until the pain goes away. Even if it is hurting you, just for the sake you can make it go away. I thought you would love me that way. But we only scarred each other, because when you give me pain, i give you pain and both us doesnt want to do something about it because we are hurt. But i’m tired of trying to be the guy so i didn’t work. But i should, no but you should. But neither of us didn’t do anything.
The main reason why we fought was about the responsibility, because i just want you to be responsible. In every aspect, starting with your own self and with me and with what we have. Just be responsible, you don’t need to be thin or smart or great or be a musician or whatever, i just want to see the responsible side of you. That will be enough to prove me that you can assure me that you love me. Because you are responsible for us. I hope you get my point.
Plans.. Plans to let go, I had these records. Of our dates, i wanted to make a scrap book for you. and write all those good stuff that we had, those memories that we should keep and look back and just laugh. I had the date of us being official, it was really near though, we just didn’t settle it that fast. I had these plans that i should really let go. It was so good yet now it should be gone.
And i have these thoughts again, “Why does history keeps on repeating itself?” I dont want to say that i regret, maybe God is just giving me a reason to learn more about people’s heart. And understand them more than i want to be understood. Sometimes i just get tired when i just give and give and give. I thought you would use the details that i told you about those scars that marked me throughout my entire life to prove me that life is better, and there would be a guy that would do anything to heal those marks. To make this lonely girl happy. I thought that was one of your goal. You think of it, but you really don’t see through me what i want to tell you.
I just had to let these go, about the guys who i go out with, when i say they really not intend to make me something like fall, it’s true. Why? because whenever i talk to guys, i mention you. That i have you, at the end of the day, i’d still be talking to you. Waiting for that “Goodnight.” and just hoping one day everything would be okay again between us. But everyday just keeps on getting worse. I wasn’t really looking for anyone, they know it. I just dont tell you, because you get mad at me first and then i get mad at you too because i’m not guilty for what i did. You should know my trust issues right? You should know it. I’ve been working on these for almost 4 months, and now i left you because you just made me feel like idk.
The game is more important than me, because we were in the situation where one could go and you chose to play. That was only one in a life time situation that you would quit a game for me because i wanted to talk, no we have to talk. but you made me felt like wait because you always have to finish that game. It isnt the same situation that i would normally understand that you should finish a game. That was a chance to prove me that you really would sacrifice something, but you didn’t. That’s the last test i had given and you still didn’t feel it.
I’m really in doubt of the love that you made me feel from the start, i am still in doubt. No matter how seldom you say “i love you” because that word for us is very heavy, and slowly everything faded. I know your love for me had faded too. We just keep bumping the walls until the cement is already powder, and the air blew it. All i need was assurance that you really love me in my definition, not in your definition.
Was it your task? No, it is our task. but this is the point where i was in doubt and i tried to stop to see what you’d do, but then you too went confused and didn’t know what to do. Love isn’t easy, remember that, you can’t play games in proving. I wasn’t asking for fairy tale, i was asking for assurance.
Distance, we had distance. I dont have time but i sacrificed even you dont ask me to, but lately i didn’t because you had a lot of time yet you dont use it efficiently. How do we learn, if we are stubborn? If you want to be followed, and i want to be followed too. I cant follow you because we should really walk together. That should be it, the answer. And your mission is to make me move again, to make things work. Right?
You say, how can you work when you get dismayed by my words. Well that’s up to you how to challenge yourself, cause i’ve been challenging myself. I’ve even sacrificed some of my friends for you, my time, no… should i? im not bragging okay? i just want you to know how i loved you and how it faded and how i wanted it to be but you just let it be. because you were clueless where you shouldnt be, because you should know me.
im not really trying to brag anything or nag, i know there are some girls since last week or maybe two? but i just swallowed my jealousy because we’d be fighting again and again and eventually end up with this. I prevented it, i tried it. I tried everything to contain my emotions. Because hell i really wanted this to work.
Do you know, i’d talk to you for hours normally i just stare, and for the past few weeks, i wanted to talk to you like everyday, trying to make things right everyday until the pain is gone. But we didnt find ways, but i know some ways, i just want your initiative, because you said you’d be responsible now and i should just stay and you’ll do all of it. I was waiting, like last sunday. I never thought you would waste time watching the people go in and out of starbucks and we aren’t even talking for hours, just waiting for the deadline.
Now’s the deadline, i’ve put up so many test yet you failed. I just wanted assurance. It was all that i needed, not in words but in actions. Why?
Because from the start you’ve told that already, but why do you keep on telling me that you’ll start but eventually you dont start. Why? Don’t lie to yourself. Be clear.
And i just want to tell you that i love you before this note ends, because when it does, it will be in past tense.
I want to let go of the anger, and the agony.
Goodluck with the new girls you’re trying to catch, treat them right. Don’t create the same mistakes again.
P.S Sorry for the typos or grammatical errors. I dont really care about it.
Do you believe that love has risks and sacrifices? Do you? That when they say; If you love someone, they don’t need to change. You got to love them for who they are. But as time goes on, those thoughts you knew are being replaced by the real self of that person. And those things you love were just mere pretenses to impress. Then you’ll start to point out the wrongs and rights. Then when you say you’ve got to change they’ll say “You’ve got it wrong, you have to love me for who i am.” Isn’t changing a risk or sacrifice? Will you change for love? Will you?
Someone was knocking on the door and i smelled fresh flowers while opening it. He was standing still on the door way, with a big illustration board saying ” I want you back.”
I was frozen on the pavement as he blurted out,
" I’m restless everyday without your presence. I cant breathe easily without you. I can’t do everything right without you. I’m so over and tired telling myself everytime i wake up that another day will pass by without you. Please, come back. " His eyes were twinkling.
I stepped to reach him out but my hands stopped in the middle of the air and i clenched my fist. “I think it is too late for that.” i said.
” No, it’s never too late, i can see in your eyes how you suffer without me too. Please, i’ll even kneel down right now just to prove you i’m sincere. You’re tired of my sorries, I know you are. Just give me the last chance to prove to you that I’m ready now. I’ll run whenever you need me, I’ll carry you when you’re down, I’ll stretch that face whenever you frown. I’ll love you more than i loved you yesterday, no everyday. I’ll love you more than you love me. More than anyone can show it. Because when you’re gone, everything is nothing. It’s so cold, please. Come back.”
Time to think.
Is the light illuminating enough for me? She asked.
The thought that her eyes concentrated to black
For she can only see the dark
And he can only see her mask.
She read an unexpected message when she woke up.
"I’ll see you later 1pm, whether you like it or not. We need to talk, we need to fix things out. YOU.. need to let those out. Stop enduring the pain alone because of me. As much as i don’t want others to hurt you, i don’t want myself to hurt you too. That’s the biggest thing i would regret, if you will leave me because i didn’t take good care of you. Please tell me, I’ll fix this. No matter how hard it is. Right? We’ll work this out. Okay? See you."
She dropped her phone.
Her room’s window is now at its perfect view. She clicked play and music filled her room. She was opening the curtain as the sunlight touches her face. Feels good to wake up, she thought. Out of all the stars that she loves, The Sun is the most precious one because it gives her life and tomorrow. She glanced through the mirror, seeing her swollen eyes made her say “tch!”. The beat of the music just makes the feeling that the only thing that matters is the tune. How would you make good of what you have right now?, another thought. Then she started swaying her hips to the beat and closing her eyes, letting music take her away. After a few moment, She opened her eyes to see herself and swayed her hips. She halted, smiled and stretched her arms.
You are like music, it is not only for listening, but it also makes you dance. Don’t drown yourself into one side because in life there’s a lot more sides to see and explore.
I remembered, asking him if he really loves me.
He answered “Yes, of course.”, unseemly
with a spark of confusion in his eyes
but it didn’t matter to me.
His answer was the only thing that matters,
assuring and painting a smile on me.
But when everyday started to die,
his answer went on a reverse manner.
He didn’t know what is the real meaning
of what he had said that permanently
made me chase the rigid pillars of love
and struck me onto the heart, deeply.
But I asked myself the same query
for maybe both of the answers are congruent
but the only contrast was the realization
of what is not ought to be.
For the true love i could give,
would be best if it would be received
from myself so we could learn to let go
when it’s time to lose of what’s not to hold.